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Location: Connecticut, United States

I'm a Conservative Troglodyte who puts more emphasis on common sense rather than political parties.

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Monday, December 06, 2004

Santa has a Huge Garage

SANTA has a huge garage.

I’ve never really been to his house. But, I know it for a fact. He has one “hellaciously,” colossal capacity to store vehicles of all kinds. I guess he’s a collector of sorts. Quite frankly, he’d make a tremendous politician. Somehow, he manages to make himself all things to all people. That’s no easy task.

Each year about this time, the “Prince of Presents” hits every shopping mall, community tree lighting, retail store doorway (sans Target this year), as well as various other Rotary Club meetings, downtown parades and the like. As is the case when attempting to relate to your audience, you need an immediate connection. The “Jolly Jinglemeister” has a routine; a bond strengthening of sorts that grabs hold of his charges from the very second of his arrival.

It’s all in the mode of transportation:

In Stamford, CT, he puts on a show for all those wanna-be actors living just outside the grasp of New York City’s Broadway. In a rare appearance, Mrs. Claus swooped down the side of the 22-story Landmark high-rise to help Santa and his elf capture Mr. Bah Humbug.
At the Hiller Aviation Museum in Massachusetts, Santa set the scene by arriving by helicopter. While in Duluth, Iowa the “Perpetrator of Pudginess” whisked in on the caboose of a steam engine train. Then, it was back to Massachusetts for a John Deere tractor arrival at Russell’s Garden Center.

On to Illinois for that long awaited arrival on the back of an old Pontiac Fire truck. It didn’t hurt that the name of the town was Pontiac, IL. In fact, the “Master of Mistletoe” has a whole fleet of fire trucks, and works every one of them into his pre-yuletide schedule. Washington Township in Mercer County Pennsylvania gets the fire truck routine. So does Happy Valley, PA. If you think this isn’t a tight run operation, then guess again. The “Chin Bearded Chimney Bombardier” uses no fewer that 134 separate fire trucks in that state alone.

Yes sir, Santa has one voluminously gigantic garage; and a very adept campaign manager.

In the last 100 years, the “Master of Merriment” has diversified to fishing boats (Vancouver Island), to Riverboats (Savannah, Georgia) pontoon boats (Cold Spring, NY) to a rather disturbing bit of pandering at Douthat State Park, Virginia which includes a decrepit old boat pulled down Main Street by a pair of large rainbow trout. We’re told that there might be a couple of adult beverages involved in that appearance.

The “Pimp of Pine” hangs around at these different venues as long as he can. However, everyone is well aware of his incredibly demanding schedule. Even so, he has been known to hit the slopes at Wintergreen Resort in Virginia. But, then it’s off again. Just last week the “Joyful Jingler” touched down at Nonoy Aquino International Airport in the Philippines. If I’m not mistaken he arrived in the Philippines from Helsinki, Finland via Lufthansa Airlines Flight LH-744. Rumor has it the airline required that he purchase two seat tickets to accommodate his, ahem, bountiful tidings around the belt. No harm done.

Don’t get the wrong idea. The “Ruler of Reindeer” does get a little bit of down time, even during this hectic time of year. He’s been known to blend right into the usual “dinner” crowd at Hooters.

However, a word to the wise; if you are a waitress at Hooters, and some large, bizarrely dressed old guy with a touch of facial rosacea tells you to sit on his lap, don’t do it. The North Pole is a dry jurisdiction, and the “Captain of Christmas” and his elves have a tendency to overindulge down in the lower 48 .

I think I’m getting off track.

My point is that the “Harbinger of Holly” puts a lot of thought into this appearances and public relations. Gaining the collective hearts of society is no easy task. It’s an expensive and highly choreographed operation. And, it takes one damn big garage…

IR wishes everyone a joyous and prosperous holiday season regardless of religious preference except for the annoying Hare Krishna sect. My they rot…

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